1. Guard your heart.
   The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).

1. You are known by the company you keep.
   We also tend to become like the company we keep. This principle is closely related to the first one and is just as important in friendships as in dating.

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).

1. Christians should only date other Christians.
   Although it is fine for Christians to have non-Christian friends, those who are especially close to our heart should be mature believers who are seeking to follow Christ with their lives.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14).

1. Is it really love?
   1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines real love. Ask yourself these questions:
• Are you patient with each other?
• Are you kind to each other?
• Are you never envious of each other?
• Do you never boast to or about each other?
• Is your relationship characterized by humility?
• Are you never rude to each other?
• Are you not self-seeking?
• Are you not easily angered with each other?
• Do you keep no record of wrongs?
• Are you truthful with each other?
• Do you protect each other?
• Do you trust each other?

If you answered "yes" to the above questions, then 1 Corinthians 13 says that you truly have a loving relationship. If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, then maybe you should discuss those issues with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

How far is too far?

Many students ask the question, “How far should I go on a date?” Here are some principles that will help you decide what is appropriate behavior on a date.

1. Does the situation I put myself in invite sexual immorality or help me avoid it?
   1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee from sexual immorality." We cannot do this if we are tempting ourselves through carelessness.
2. What kind of reputation does my potential date have?
   When you accept a date you are essentially saying, "My values are the same as your values." That in itself can put you in a position you may regret later. Remember 1 Corinthians 15:33, "Bad company corrupts good character."
3. Will there be any pressure to use alcohol or drugs?
   Don't give up your values for a date.
4. Am I attracting the wrong type of person?
   Make sure that the message you send with your actions doesn't attract people who will lead you to compromise your values.
5. Am I aware that sin is first committed in the heart?
   Matthew 5:28 says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
6. Are you going to the right kind of place for a date?
   Many good intentions have been forgotten because the temptation and opportunity were too great.
7. Am I doing anything to encourage sexual desire?
   Don't engage in any impure contact that is sexually motivated, such as petting.

If you have already gone too far, why stop?

1. God is forgiving.
   1 John 1:9 tells us that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins if we confess them. You can start fresh with God anytime you want to.
2. God is holy.
   His word tells us that sexual sin is wrong, and He knows what is best.
3. God is caring.
   God knows that going too far before marriage tends to break up couples and leads to less happy marriages. He knows that most guys do not want to marry a girl who has been intimate with someone else.

Christian Dating

There is such a thing as dating from a distinctly Christian perspective.

Basic Concepts

Cathexis is a word used to describe the powerful emotional experience commonly known as "falling in love". It is clinically described as the sudden collapse of the ego boundaries. Suddenly, everything is beautiful, and we are at one with the whole universe. Nothing has really changed but our perception. It is euphoric because it takes us back to that time as infants, when we could not separate ourselves from the world around us. When we were hungry, the whole universe was hungry. Our parents were merely an extension of ourselves, and they responded to our every whim. Of course, at some point, they ceased to do so, and it was a painful recognition that we had ego boundaries. Our parents would feed us when they felt best, not at our behest. Life was no longer so simple. We had to deal with the real world. Any apparent escape from this is a great relief.

The starting point is an improper focus. We are called by Christ to stand ready to serve, to be ready to minister to the genuine needs of others, as He defines them. If this is our focus, His promise is to meet all our needs. If, out of a sense of loneliness, we become conscious of a need to be in a romance, we tend to lose the ministry-oriented focus. It can easily become a subconscious exercise, sort of like turning on radar. Sooner or later, a target will be spotted. Something about this other person will trigger our interest, and cathexis will strike.

The truly sad part is that, at this point, we are not really in love with a person. We are in love with being in love. We may note actually care about this person, but care a great deal about what they do for us, what they "provide" us. As you can see, cathexis is wholly emotional, independent of rational thought. It is here that the danger is greatest. In order to secure a steady supply of this emotional drug, we go to great lengths to nail down this relationship. We may make all sorts of cosmetic changes in our behavior pattern, or our manner of dress, in an effort to appeal to this person's interest. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this sad ritual repeated.

Once the relationship is established, we will struggle for a time to hide anything that may appear to be an imperfection ("warts") to keep from losing it. One of the symptoms of this is when your friends tease you about the dramatic changes, and you feel like you have to insist that you have always been like this. You end up altering all of your associations, even ending some, for the sake of the romance. Somewhere in the midst of all this, a kind of "customariness" sets in, and we spend our time with this other, doing the same things that at first thrilled us, but which now brings ennui. Eventually, the ego boundaries reassert themselves, and our old habits come back. To our growing horror, we find ourselves trapped in a relationship with someone we actually can't stand.

An example is the young lady I knew who was ordinarily rather mature and sensible. Like most kids, she liked contemporary music, and wore the average preppy styles of the middle class. She fell in love with (suffered cathexis over) a confirmed cowboy. He was attractive to her largely because he was comfortable with his real self and his life style. She bought and began wearing western clothes, and begin listening to country music stations. She succeeded in winning his affections. At some point, the relationship became uncomfortable to him. I gathered it was largely due to her possessiveness. He broke off their steady dating relationship. Her conversion to western style was immediately replaced with the hard rock style. She even went so far as to have her tongue pierced. in her effort to wash away the pain of her loss. It was just like involuntarily withdrawing from a drug addiction. She went around bad-mouthing him for a time. He ignored her jabs, and went on with his life.

The Principle of Propinquity ("nearness of time and place") is that we tend to care most for those with whom we spend the most time. This works for both good and bad. If you spend time in the company of sinners, you will sympathize too much with their viewpoint. If your circle of friends includes guys and gals who don't put Jesus first, you will find yourself open to an invitation to date them. Countless broken hearts result from the implied or actual approval you are giving to their morality. If you don't draw the line at some point, you will lose something precious. If you do draw that line, you risk a very painful breakup.

On the other hand, the same principle applies to holy relationships founded on clear-headed choices. Veloyce and I have been married for over 20 years. We can't imagine where the time has gone; we still feel like newlyweds. We built our relationship on a common commitment to follow Jesus wherever it lead us. I was in training to be a Baptist preacher at the time, committed to a lifetime of vocational service of Jesus. She, too, had felt the call. She fully expected to marry a preacher, and serve on some mission field. In light of what I knew about my own strengths and weaknesses, she seemed the best choice. There was nothing of cathexis in it for me. I found her neither especially attractive nor unattractive physically. She did not walk out of my dreams. She was simply the one best qualified for sharing the life I had chosen. It was enough that, after dating for some months, it was obvious that we could be friends, that we could get along with each other. Over the years, our commitment to serving Jesus together has made the bond between us unbreakable. The powerful, mind-numbing love that our movies and TV shows depict as the immediate result of finding that perfect ONE is ours due to a 20 year warm-up. Successful arranged marriages in the centuries past held all the potential of becoming just as fascinating as ours, because they were well thought-out matches. If you experience blinding emotion at the first, it won't be there for long.

Guidelines

Based on the above discussion, we can state several basic guidelines.

1. Establish for yourself standards. Don't ever compromise them. You may choose to modify them, as a result of time in prayer and Bible study, but never in response to pressure from a significant other. This includes time with God, and with godly people, asking for a clear knowledge of what you can and cannot deal with in a romantic partner. An example would be something as mundane as teasing: will your boyfriend's/girlfriend’s sense of humor be a sore-spot? If you can't get over it, find someone else.
2. Look for someone whose faith is visible in the Fruit of the Spirit. No one will be perfect, but when the guy/gal occasionally hurts your feelings, as they inevitably will, is he man enough/is she woman enough to grovel in humble apology? Does he/she get around to asking forgiveness in a reasonable amount of time? Further, does he/she do those small kindnesses; give you those compliments, out of the blue? Finally, is he/she like that with most people in the first place? There are other virtues as well. If you don't see at least the beginning of such things, you can be sure that you will be taken for granted.
3. The one most worth having is the one who doesn't need you. Desperate longing is a short step from obsession. If they need something we have (aside from Christ), then they will feel compelled to do things to control that supply. If they see that need as being supplied by God through you, they have no need to control you. This applies to ourselves as well. Romance as God's gift to us is an extension of Christian fellowship. They shouldn't need you, but should want you anyway. They should find your company pleasant, not just enjoy holding you. Have you ever just sat and talked about things?
4. Focus on being, not on finding. Seek the Lord first, and He will take care of the details. Be the godly woman/man He called you to be, and His choice will find you. Turn off the radar. Don't get so wrapped up in romance that it monopolizes your waking hours. Further, any romance that is God's choice for today is subject to recall when it has served His purpose. Keep your eyes on the Giver, not the gift. I'm still friends with some former girlfriends because of this. I've never suffered an emotional break-up since putting this in practice.
5. You can always walk away. Don't become addicted. When it's no longer right, He will give you the strength to follow His will. That says nothing of the possible pain, only that you can deal with it. This is connected to the image of God's promise to generously supply all we could ever have use for. He said that it was already there, waiting for our use. The problem is that we all too often look for it in the wrong place. If you refuse to stand under the umbrella of God's protection, don't complain if you get wet.
6. Date your friends; never date a stranger. You should choose to date someone because you believe it is plausible to marry them. This requires, of course, that you hang out with fellow-believers. Remember the Principle of Propinquity. Your best chance of finding someone worthy is to be often in the company of God's people. Go out with someone you can trust to at least want to follow His will.
7. Missionary dating doesn't work. You can't change someone while you are dating them. Any changes they seem to make at your request are likely to be superficial. Further, you cannot join Jesus with Satan. Anyone not devoted to Jesus is, by default, serving Satan.
8. Cultivate a confessor. This is a basic principle of Christian living. It's a matter of having someone to whom you are accountable, someone who has proven capable of accepting you uncritically. If there is no one with whom you can share your deepest, darkest secrets and fears, you already have tremendous spiritual problems. This confessor can help you keep a clear head in the turmoil of dating.